


Not Quite Valhalla

by mischievousmoonhunter



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-03-02 19:45:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13325190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischievousmoonhunter/pseuds/mischievousmoonhunter
Summary: A Midgardian woman appears in Loki’s cell without any knowledge about herself. The two annoy each other as the woman tries to find out who she is, while Loki wonders why he’s been subjected to this maddening creature.





	1. Chapter 1

-L-

Boredom. The one emotion still coursing through Loki’s body. The only force to combat the ever-growing, all-consuming emptiness. Oddly similar, both dreaded - still, preferable to reliving the painful memories of his past, tucked away in the darkest parts of his chaotic mind.   
Nonetheless, had he not known pride – the source of that awful stubbornness of his – he would have begged for distractions. On his knees he would have sat, smashing his clenched fists against the impenetrable walls of energy, crying out to the guards hiding behind the shadows. He would have used that notorious “silver tongue” to persuade or threaten anyone in the nine realms. The means mattered not. As long as they provided him with something, anything, to block the raging emotions and conflicting thoughts.   
Alas, pride was all he had left, the last thread his dignity was dangling on. So, he let out another deep, weary sigh and flipped through the latest book his mother had supplied him. Actually, it had been a guard who’d handed him the small stack. Odin had forbidden his wife to see him - their adopted misfit and personal failure.   
What a kind, concerning “father” he had.

‘Where the hell am I?’  
A clear voice rang out behind Loki, closer than he was used to. Also, the voice was unknown to him, nothing like the rough, heavy voices of the guards whenever they decided to mock him.   
Loki turned to find the shape of a young woman sprawled across the floor. Her red curls spilled into her face as she pushed herself up and glared at him, as if it was his fault she lie there. Indeed, she glared at him as if she expected him to answer her straight away.   
Loki raised an unimpressed eyebrow. ‘Seeing as you are in a cell assigned to me, and me alone, I am more entitled to ask that question.’  
His remark did not satisfy the redhead. Instead, she lost all interest in him. As she rose, her rough blue pants and bright purple shirt became visible. They told Loki he was dealing with a midgardian woman.  
She frowned at him, unsure, her eyes blinking slowly as if in a trance.   
‘Okay…’ the woman stretched and scanned the room, searching. ‘This is some kind of prank, right?’  
Loki didn’t answer.   
The woman shrugged. ‘Oh, well…’  
Closely examining each spot she placed her feet, she neared the glowing, see-through barrier that kept Loki contained. She reached out, ready to touch and pierce the forcefield.   
Loki had a few seconds to contemplate whether to warn her. If this was - as he suspected - a trick by Odin, she would either know not to go on or be as clueless as he. Either way, it must be some kind of test. Or a ploy only for the amusement of the allfather.  
‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you.’   
‘Wanting to be helpful, are we?’  
The woman went on. Foolish human.  
A big white flash temporarily blinded Loki. The midgardian cried out as she was propelled backwards, landed on her back and stared at the white ceiling. Somehow, her hair had grown even bigger.   
‘Holy shit…’ the woman shook her hand and put the fingertips to her lips. ‘How much Volt is on that thing?’   
‘I suppose a “I told you so” is in place.’  
Again the midgardian glared at Loki. ‘Give me answers or else shut up.’  
Loki shrugged and went back to his book. Maybe if he ignored her she’d go away.   
Instead, she started yelling.  
‘If you are watching this,’ she called out, her chin lifted, ‘let me tell you something: I will sue you! You can’t broadcast this without my permission, I know that! So you better get me out!  
Loki watched, sighed, and rubbed his eyes. ‘This is absolutely wonderful. Did they only put you in here to annoy me, or are you actually out of your mind?’  
‘Shut up!’ the woman pointed at him with a judgemental index finger. ‘You are part of this. They’ll get me out. You’ll see. I just have to wait.’  
Crossing her arms, she sat down, occasionally glaring at Loki, her fiery eyes both amusing and distracting. Honestly, when he had wished for distraction, he had imaged a form less annoying. Because if there was one thing Loki knew about humans it was that those dim creatures never wanted to learn and always thought they were being so clever. Needless to say, Loki knew waiting for someone to get you out was useless.   
After about an hour, the woman groaned. Her hands tugged at her own curls, as she’d done a thousand times since sitting down.   
‘Okay, enough!’ she got up and came stomping towards Loki. Her whole face and posture screamed she was ready to smack him in the face.  
Loki rose, so he towered over the woman. Until then he’d been reading, now and then glancing at her - sometimes with aggravation and sometimes with curiosity. For a moment, with the woman all up in his face, aggravation won.   
‘You. You have a key, don’t you? Or some sort of button or whatever. You-’ her finger raced towards the prince’s chest. Instead of experiencing a sharp pain, Loki watched the woman’s eyes widen.  
‘What?’ Loki scoffed, raising his eyebrows. Had his presence cause her fire to seep away?   
He looked down, following her amazed stare, where they both watched the woman’s finger disappear in Loki’s chest. Simultaneously, they stepped away.   
‘Are you some kind of hologram?’ the woman demanded. Then her own face contorted as if she wondered whether her own words made any sense. They didn’t.  
‘I am quite certain I am real,’ Loki noted, despite not enjoying the sensation of having someone’s finger poke in his chest. Whether he could feel it or not. ‘Though I am still deciding if you are dream or illusion.’   
‘What?’ the woman huffed. ‘I am real! I was just-’ her voice quivered, and she frowned as she looked down at her hands. ‘I was just…’   
‘Yes?’ Loki stared down at her without mercy. ‘How did you get here?’   
‘I-’ she closed her mouth. Still frowning, her fists clenched, and her eyelids shut tight. ‘I…’ she tried again. A soft choking noise erupted from her throat and she hugged her chest. ‘You drugged me.’ She scowled at Loki, the fire back in her eyes. ‘You drugged me and took my memory!’   
Loki sighed and rolled his eyes, sat down again and returned to his book. This little play was taking too long. ‘Of course. I have done all that. That is exactly why I locked myself up afterwards. It all makes complete sense.’   
‘Locked up?’ a curious light slipped into the woman’s scared eyes. ‘Why’d they lock you up?’   
‘Because,’ Loki answered light-heartedly, with a major cynical twist. ‘I tried to conquer a world- it did not work so well. Thus, they put me here, as a form of “Asgardian justice”, I suppose.’   
The girl was squinting at him, her arms wrapped over each other and her foot tapping the floor. ‘Sure… conquering worlds… Asgardian justice…. It looks like I’m not the only one drugged.’   
‘As far as I know,’ Loki said disinterested as he let his eyes follow the words in his book, ‘they did not do that, yet. Though one does not need substances to believe in illusions, of course.’   
Loki was tired of this trick - obviously this was a trick, orchestrated by Odin. He had yet to figure out why it had been done to him. Perhaps Odin wished him to go mad even quicker, therefore sending the image of an earthen girl to him. To annoy him to death in her ridiculous Midgardian garments and with her ridiculous red hair.   
‘So… you’re not one of them?’ The woman enquired, a slight quiver in her voice.   
Loki looked up at the shudder. ‘Well, I have no knowledge who brought you here, so I cannot be accessory, can I?’   
Her firmly pressed lips told Loki it wasn’t a sufficient answer. Moreover, that she wouldn’t quit bothering him until she was satisfied. Better save himself many exhausting questions and deal with her quickly, so she’d disappear as soon as possible.   
‘Why don’t you tell me your name, then I may have an inkling to why you are here.’   
‘Sure…’ she scoffed, like giving him her name seemed the most dangerous or stupidest thing to do. ‘I am-’   
Her eyes flew open, her hands grabbed her hair and pulled. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me…’ her eyes grew wider, revealing they were indeed lilac. She stumbled back and seemed to forget about Loki. She sat down, her hands still entangled in her curls.   
Loki shrugged, watched her, looked away, watched her again. Good acting, he had to admit. But why?  
‘Odin,’ he muttered to himself, ‘what are you up to?’

 


	2. Chapter 2

-?-

The nameless woman held on to the threads that kept herself together with dear life. Stay calm. Be cool. They observed her, anticipating the perfect dramatic breakdown. A rain of tears. Agonising screaming. Another desperate attempt to escape.   
She would’ve give them that joy. Whatever drug they’d injected, it should wear off soon. She’d remember… everything.  
With the initial jolt of panic and fear subsided, a soft bubbling shame originated in the pit of her stomach. This near-breakdown had been pitiful. She had to keep herself together. If they thought they were getting to her, they wouldn’t let her out at all.  
The stranger hadn’t looked at her for a while. Earlier, she had felt his cruel green eyes glance at her. Now, the stranger lay on his back with his eyes closed. How dare he relax while she didn’t even know her name?  
After rising from the floor, she crept up to his bed.  
‘Are you trying to sleep?’ she enquired, unnecessarily so. ‘I don’t think I can sleep…’ she then complained, putting a lot of effort in her whiny tone. People tend to dislike whiny voices. ‘I am soooooo, tired, but can’t sleeeeeep.’   
The man’s chest rose up, and sank down again. Only after all the air had passed through his nose, the green of his eyes were revealed. ‘I certainly can, so if you’ll excuse me…’ he closed his eyes again, though his shoulders were hunched more than before.   
She envied him. She longed to roll up and fall asleep on these white floors, but she couldn’t. Both because that meant she had to let her guard down and because she somehow knew she simply had lost the ability to sleep. Perhaps it was the drugs that stopped her. Especially made to keep her up.  
She walked closer and bent down, her face only a few inches away from his.   
‘Are you asleep yet?’ she breathed.  
He winced and groaned. ‘Almost. Now get away!’   
‘Or else?’ she asked joyfully. ‘You can’t touch me, so what you gonna do?’   
‘I might curse you,’ the man growled, his eyelids still shut. His strong jaw moved as he clenched his teeth together.  
‘Right,’ she scoffed with annoyed mock, ‘magic. That’s what we were missing. Isn’t this just perfect?’   
It wasn’t. Usually, filmmakers have to chose: sci-fi or fantasy. Only the greatest could bring them together. And this man definitely wasn’t part of the greatest.  
Though the strange attire he wore, which didn’t belong in modern times, were of great quality, a lot better than the average cossplayer. Better even than most tv-shows and even some not quite low, but also not quite high budget films.  
However, that shouldn’t be a surprise. People who could create such realistic holograms could ship up period clothing like it was nothing

-L-

The annoyance sounded so genuine, Loki opened his eyelids to observe his “guest”. The woman was leaning back with her arms crossed across her chest, so tight the green clover on her shirt was entirely deformed. A fear suppressing anger was written across her face. If this indeed was a trick by Odin and she was in on it, she would be an amazing actress.   
What did it matter if she was part of it? Best let it be - then it would hopefully be over soon, and he could go back to his dull, empty life.   
‘I am in no mood to convince some unbelieving human there is more to existence than what they have seen.’   
‘Unbelieving human?’ she repeated indignantly. ‘And what are you supposed to be? God?’   
How Loki wished he could shut his ears as he could his eyes, draining out the sound of this exhausting creature. Sadly, digging his fingers into his tired ears would be disgraceful and cost him the last threads of dignify he still owed.   
‘I have been thought of as one, actually. Even though the Allfather seems to believe only he deserves the title.’ Just like he could visit nine realms and claim the highest power without ever being convicted for it, or even hated.   
‘In short, this is actually a madhouse?’ The woman huffed. ‘Great. Then what am I doing here?’   
Loki felt like he could start screaming any second; his patience hadn’t been tested like this in a long time. Usually it was Thor with his impulsive decisions who drove him mad.   
‘If you do not want to believe the truth, so be it. But for Valhalla’s sake, let me sleep!’   
The woman took a step forwards. ‘Don’t think so. Not until you prove it - or start telling me the truth. Whichever one you prefer’. She rose her eyebrows and watched as Loki realised she meant it.  
‘Why are humans so insufferably irritating?’ Loki exclaimed, opening his eyes, getting up and looking at her aggravatedly.   
‘When living among so many assholes, you learn to use your voice.’   
‘Humans do not learn,’ Loki smirked. ‘Have you never realised your history repeats itself. You are running in circles, trying to find a saviour who can lead you away from this fate…’ his voice trailed off at the end of the sentence. For a moment he found himself lost in time. Images of the past jostled each other to make themselves known to him. Loki had to push them away.  
The woman rolled her eyes. ‘Just show me some “magic”.’   
With another sigh, Loki flicked his wrist. Out of nowhere a black falcon appeared, swooping down, claws extended at the woman’s face. She shrieked and threw herself to the ground. The bird flew one perfect circle before positioning itself on Loki’s shoulder, who wore a wide grin.  
‘Funny,’ the woman huffed, pushing herself off the floor. Her red curls covered half of her face. ‘Did you summon it?’   
‘No,’ Loki reached for the bird on his shoulder, as if to caressits smooth, feathered head. It disappeared at his touch, likeeverything else in his life seemed to do. ‘It’s an illusion.’

-?-

With a feeling like a racing heart - though in a weird way, like it wasn’t actually there - the woman studied the stranger. His tall form standing straight, an air of smugness around him. However, it wasn’t the smugness of someone in the midst of an elaborate prank to make her, a nobody, believe in magic with some fancy computer generated projections or other visual tricks of the mechanical sort.   
Besides, if she truly thought about her situation and concentrated on her body, she felt there was something off. Something that had nothing to do with drugs.  
However, as she watched the stranger give her that cocky look, she couldn’t stand the idea of him feeling good about himself at her expense.  
‘Then why did you think I was an illusion,’ the woman wondered. ‘I didn’t disappear when I tried to touch you.’   
For a moment the man seemed stunned. Quickly, he straightened his face, his eyebrows lowering from their arched position.   
‘That is actually a very clever notion. For a human.’   
‘Thank you.’ She curtsied. Being clever returned some of the control over the situation back to her.   
‘Can you do more?’   
‘I have some telekinetic abilities, and I can change into a frost giant, if you want,’ he dared her.   
‘A frost giant, Really?’ she raised an eyebrow. ‘Does that mean you become incredibly big?’   
The man frowned with pursed lips. ‘Why, of course not!’   
She snickered. ‘Sorry if I hurt your pride, small giant.’   
He glared at her as if he wanted nothing more than to strangle her. ‘You humans are even more foolish than I thought. The name is Loki. Not-’ his lips curled up, ‘”small giant”.’   
‘Loki, huh? It appears you’ve met more of us.’  
‘Some of the “best”-’ again he gave that dirty look, ‘of your kind, I was told.’   
She studied him more carefully. Underneath that demeanour of rage and distrust seemed to be a deeper layer. He’d been hurt, disappointed. Let down, possibly humiliated. In any case, his pride had been hurt, very, very badly.  
‘I gather you don’t think much of us, do you?’  
‘Not particularly.’ The man- Loki- stated it as a simple facet, as if it was logical. In his mind it must be. He thought himself to be a god, someone high above all other creatures. How couldn’t he, if he could summon such lifelike images? Yet, if he was speaking the truth, he was as stuck inside this oblivious white room, with which he made a stark contrast in his dark garbs and with his raven hair, as she was.   
‘But then,’ she smiled, ‘you don’t seem to be fond of anyone. I won’t take it personally.’

-L-

Loki stared at this creature, so undisturbed by all he had shown and told her. Not only was she undisturbed, she also mocked him, laughed at him. Well, he’d gotten used to that, through the years. People liked to mock the misfit, and a misfit he was; always different from the big, bulky, combat-loving Asgardians around him. But his woman…  
‘How sad I am to hear that,’ Loki replied, having collected himself, and in a more gracious, airy manner. ‘Consider taking it as I meant, oblivious human.’   
With that, he sank back down, gathering the book. He pretended to be absorbed in the pages. Actually, his thoughts were crossing the galaxy, towards that blue and green planet he had briefly visited. How had he not won? How could he be beaten by such dull creatures?  
Then he remembered: Thor had betrayed him. Thor, who he had thought to be his own brother, had turned on him. He had sided with humans he hadn’t even known, chosen strangers above his own family. Or he didn’t count as family anymore since the truth had come into the light.  
Loki glanced up. The woman sat against the wall, her strange eyes staring into empty space. Her hair glimmered like rubies in the pale light.  
Yes, Loki thought. Annoying, dull creatures.

 


	3. Chapter 3

-?-

About a day past and her mind remained empty. The most frustrating part was the awareness of her hollowed mind. How not even her lips formed the first vowel or consonant of her name. Nor did her ears know at what sounds her head should turn. All she knew was it was supposed be there. These things people were and had - names, a family, a past. All taken from her.  
Then there was this man, this Loki. He’d been reading those stupid books of him all day. She’d made some comments. He’d ignored her. She hadn’t felt like talking to him anyway, especially since their last encounter. A while ago he had fallen asleep. He hadn’t looked at her as he did, as if by not paying attention, she would cease to exist.   
An icy finger ran from her shoulder blades to her tailbone. Who knew, perhaps if she disappeared from his mind, she’d vanish from existence…  
‘Hey,’ she disrupted the silence. Even though those horrid thought of oblivious were unlikely to be true (or so she hoped), she did find satisfaction in remembering her co-prisoner of her existence. As expected, she didn’t get any reaction.  
With swaying arms, she approached Loki. His hair lay spread out across the white of the pillow, appearing to be a splotch of Indian ink. Add a bit of red lipstick, he’d make a wonderful genderbend snow white.   
In books, people appear far more peaceful when they’re asleep. This man was either not sleeping, or held the same dark expression as he wore when awoke. For his sake she hoped it was the former.   
Anyhow, she didn’t bend over him this time. Instead, she sank down at the foot of his bed, careful not to touch his feet and go through him. It had been the most… odd… experience, one she didn’t want to experience again.  
‘Small Giant,’ she called out to him, quieter this time. Waking up to harsh sounds was unpleasant. She was considerate that way.   
It became obvious Loki was awake, even though the change in his expression was still quite subtle. His dark eyebrows drew closer, his lips pressed together, and his head seemed to lean a little more back.  
‘Do you insist on calling me that, oblivious human?’ The name-calling had been an afterthought. Laying down, causing his voice to come out muffled, he made no imposing impression.   
She leaned back. ‘I do, Small Giant. Because I like the sound of it. Oh, and because it annoys you.’ That went without saying.  
There was a soft noise, a groan. Loki put his fingers to his forehead as if he was having a migraine. He muttered something sounding an awful lot like “please, someone end me.”  
‘Aww, come on!’ she chimed. ‘Don’t make it too easy, that’ll take all the fun out of it.’  
‘What do you want?’  
‘Distractions,’ she confessed. ‘I thought your story would be a nice way to get my mind off things.’  
Loki used his elbows to get up. ‘My life and sorrow are no more than tools to keep you away from boredom?’  
‘That’s one way to put it…. If you want to be dramatic about it,’ she added with eyes up to the ceiling.  
Loki frowned at her, annoyed. Apparently, the only emotion he contained.  
‘Come on! I know you’ve already read those books, at least twice. You’re only looking at the words at this point. I recognise a fellow boredy when I see one.’  
Loki stared, mouthing “fellow boredy” in a disgusted manner.  
‘You know,’ she tilted her head, ‘acting all high and mighty won’t make you better than me. You’re as locked up as I am.’  
Loki swung his legs off the bed and adjusted his clothing. ‘Yet, I’m still Asgardian royalty, while you’re still human.’  
‘Royalty, you say?’ she looked around the barren room, void from riches or even windows. ‘Your accommodations are very royal, Sir. I bet you were the weird cousin.’  
‘Prince,’ Loki corrected.  
‘Huh… that’s a degradation.’  
‘Hadn’t occurred to me yet.’  
‘Sorry to burst your bubble.’   
Loki huffed. ‘No, you’re not.’   
‘True.’ She shrugged. ‘Care to tell me what happened?’   
Loki bit his lip and let his gaze travel the room. ‘You won’t stop until I do, am I wrong?’   
She grimaced. ‘I’m afraid not.’   
‘Fine,’ Loki gave in. ‘Do you desire to take notes, or can I begin?’   
‘Ready!’ She mimicked holding a clipboard and pen. ‘I’m all ears!’   
This time it was less a murderous, strangle-ready look and more a “I want to shut your mouth with duckttape” look. She was growing on him.   
‘I was a prince-’  
‘Yes, got that one. P.R.I.N.C.E. if I’m not mistaken?’   
‘If you interrupt me again…’   
‘Sorry, sorry.’ She smiled sweetly. ‘Just making sure.’   
Only a short jaw clenching. Loki was getting better at handling her. Not that he had a choice.  
‘So, I was a P.R.I.N.C.E-’ Loki glared at her, and she nodded, ‘of Asgard. That’s A.S.G.A.R.D. for you.’   
‘Thanks.’ She mouthed the letters as the “wrote it down.”   
‘I attempted to invade another world to become its king. It didn’t work out. They put me here. End of story.’   
‘Hey!’  
Loki returned her sugary smile. ‘You wished to know why they locked me up. That is it. That’s why they did it.’   
‘Mmm….’ That pathetic excuse for a story did not satisfy her. ‘Sooooo… you believe in dictatorship obtained through force? Did you intend to hold fake elections to give people the illusion they’re free… or…?’   
Loki didn’t appreciate her best journalist voice. He sneered at her. ‘Freedom is one great lie.’  
‘Mmm…’ she mused, and pretended to write it down, muttering the words under her breath as she swirled her hand. ‘Freedom… freedom…’   
The word stirred something in her foggy mind. It broke through layers of quicksand to lift one word from the depths. She looked up, grinning. ‘Saoirse!’ she exclaimed.   
Loki raised his eyebrows. ‘Excuse me?’  
‘Saoirse,’ she repeated, with even more energy packed into the word. ‘That’s my name! It means freedom, that’s why I remembered!’   
‘Really?’ Loki smirked. ‘Freedom… isn’t that a bit… ironic?’   
Saoirse pointed at the imprisoned prince. ‘Shut up! I remember my name, so I’ll be happy about it.’   
Loki didn’t care. ‘Will you let me sleep, then?’   
For a moment she considered his request. Then she shrugged. ‘Sure. If you have to.’   
‘I do.’   
Loki lay down, closing his eye at once. Such a fun person. He shook his head, as if she was still talking. ‘Saoirse,’ he muttered.   
He better not be judging her name. Loki was way weirder. Especially when he said it, her name sounded almost beautiful.   
Saoirse sat near the forcefield, studying the man laying down, while her thoughts floated somewhere on earth, though she had no clue where.   
Her name, Saoirse, was Irish, that much she knew. But she didn’t sound Irish, did she.   
Nevertheless, she imagined two redheaded parents speaking to her in thick Irish accents. Or perhaps she had hippy like parents who had wanted to give her a cool name. Saoirse smiled, as another weight set in her stomach.


	4. Chapter 4

-L-

‘Good morning, Little Giant!’ The woman - no, Saoirse, which meant freedom, which suited her free spirit, and also didn’t matter - greeted him with a wide grin. She hadn’t gone up into the air. At this point, he wondered whether it was a relief or not. Was not enduring everlasting boredom worth living through her annoyance?  
Loki ignored her. He consumed his breakfast with Saoirse spectating, which made him rather self-conscious about the way he ate. He did not dare let a single crumb fall onto his lap, for Saoirse would never let him hear the end of it. To his great surprise, though, she had the good sense and manners to let him wake up in peace and quiet before she drowned him in her ocean of annoyance.   
‘Done?’ Saoirse asked when Loki put his plate away.   
‘I’m afraid so.’  
‘Good.’ Saoirse invaded his space as she sat down, careful not to disappear inside him. Had she been real, her abundance of curls would have swept his face. ‘I want to talk.’  
‘Naturally. Any new information?’  
Saoirse shoulders sagged. She puffed her cheeks. ‘Nah… maybe your snarky comments can stir another memory.’  
If only Loki could push her off his bed. ‘I’ll do my best.’  
Saoirse tilted her head. ‘Thanks, I guess. Anyway… back to you. Loki. Asgard. As in Norse mythology?’ An evil grin spread across her face. Gods, no. She had prepared all night. A dark cloud of impending doom spread above his head. ‘Did you have sex with a horse?’  
‘No!’ Loki threw his arms in the air. ‘Don’t believe every story you hear.’  
‘I seem to recall you telling me I shouldn’t be “an unbelieving human”.’  
‘Magic! I meant magic!’   
Saoirse nodded, like it was a reasonable argument she was considering. ‘So, no fathering giant snakes?’  
Loki took a deep breath. ‘No. And please,’ was he lowering himself to the level of a human by begging her? ‘I’d rather not talk about myself.’  
Saoirse pursed her lips. ‘What else can we do? Can’t talk about myself, can I?’  
Loki shrugged. He wouldn’t mind if she simply made up a story to entertain them both. He’d rather make up stories about himself. Alas, his past had been chiselled in the rocks of time, and the untruth stories concerning himself were no better. A mahogany box shone in the white lights.  
‘Do you play chess?’  
‘I’ve played it before - like a thousand years ago.’   
‘Wonderful. That means I have to teach you.’ Loki already imagined the frustration. Much like the present, only worse – the way falling off Asgard’s waterfalls was worse than falling off one of a hundred feet.   
‘You don’t sound that happy,’ pouted Saoirse. Her lilac eyes glittered, despite the purple circles underneath. Was there truly no way for her to rest?  
‘That is because I’m not convinced you’ll be a quick student.’   
‘Hey!’ Saoirse’s hand shot out - stopped before she could swipe through his shoulder. ‘Oops…’ she cleared her throat. ‘What’re we gonne play with?’   
‘Right.’ Loki retrieved the box containing his personal chess set. He held it up for Saoirse to see. His fingers slid across the smooth wood.   
‘It’s gorgeous!’ she beamed. ‘Show me the pieces!’   
Loki did as she asked. He didn’t mind the marble pieces with little gemstones for eyes, but he got immense pleasure from the way Saoirse marvelled over the set.   
‘Not that it has been to much use for me,’ Loki said. ‘Playing against yourself gets dull quickly.’   
‘Because you’re dull yourself.’ Saoirse took her eyes of the set and grinned.   
Loki shook his head. Would she never stop? ‘You cannot touch the set. If I desire so, you cannot play with me.’  
‘Alright. You’re intensely interesting, Little Giant.’  
Victory would never be on his side. He was never going to win this. Saoirse held too much spirit. Too much chaotic energy, like the fiery mess of her hair. Then again, Loki himself was a creature of chaos.  
Loki set up the board with its pieces on a round table he’d drawn closer to the bed. Saoirse waited for the armies to assemble, leaning back, now and then commenting on the way Loki put down the pieces, saying they weren’t actually facing forwards or they weren’t standing in the centre of their little square.   
‘If you can’t do something, don’t criticise me for not doing it the way you want me to,’ Loki grunted.   
‘That’s where you’re wrong. Because I can’t do something myself or don’t know about it, I can give an outsider’s perspective.’ Saoirse pointed at the white horse, which faced the tower next to it and gestured how she wanted it turned.   
‘You wish to use that outsider’s perspective to play without knowing the rules?’ Loki threatened.   
‘No need to be so hostile,’ Saoirse chided. ‘Just trying to help.’   
‘Of course you are.’  
It took Loki another few minutes to positions the pawns, nights, towers, horses, bishops, kings and queens in a manner that met the approval of Saoirse. When at last the nod of perfection was given, she still required education on the rules. After about five minutes, Saoirse waved her hand above the board.  
‘Can’t we start? I’ll catch up as we go.’   
Loki shrugged. Why not? It might be easier that way.   
Worst mistake of his life.   
‘How is that a rule?’ Saoirse cried as Loki replaced the pawn he’d manoeuvred across the board with one of his few fallen pieces. ‘You’re making that up!’   
‘I did not!’ Loki replied, his voice shooting up. ‘I crossed your army, so I get to strengthen mine!’   
‘Your army sucks…’ Saoirse grumbled under her breath as she peered at the three white pieces left. She gestured with an angry finger at the horse she wanted to move, and Loki changed its place.   
It took Loki less than a handful of moves to obliterate Saoirse's remaining army, which left her scowling at her scattering white forces. ‘I could've won, if you’d told me all the rules…’  
‘Shut it!’  
The king left Loki’s hand before he knew it. It soared through Saoirse’s chest and clattered to the floor. Her mouth stood open, her eyes wide as if she’d seen a ghost. She didn’t move.   
‘Saoirse?’   
Silence.  
‘Saoirse?’  
Had he hurt her? Had he caused her harm? How? He couldn’t touch her, he was sure. And it had only been a simple marble piece, nothing magic. Nothing enchanted. Yet, her mind seemed ripped away.

-S-

The pebble hit her in the chest and splattered dirt all over her sketchpad. The way the crumbling sand damaged the paper hurt more than the physical contact. She tried to prevent further damage, but the evil had already come to pass. The moist dirt had wetted the paper. Wonderful.   
‘Oh god, sorry! Please tell me that wasn’t for a client!’  
A fair-haired boy came running op to Saoirse with a fiery blush upon his cheeks. The grains scattered across his hands proved he was the culprit.   
‘Wasn’t getting anywhere, anyway,’ she shrugged. Again, Saoirse squinted at the designs she’d already pencilled down. A rubbery taste had spread through her mouthed, a bubbling frustration in her chest.   
Gavin sat next to her after he’d wiped away the dirt, so his long coat wouldn’t get too dirty. He glanced at her sketches.  
‘Looks good.’ He pointed at her latest idea. ‘I like that one.’  
Saoirse nodded. ‘That’s my favourite, too.’  
‘What did they want, though.’  
She scowled. ‘Something cool but simple, like the Nike logo.’   
Gavin laughed. It wasn’t funny.   
Every damn time, they told her the same thing. Every time, she restrained herself from ranting about the history of that damned thing, how nobody liked it when first designed. To tell them, they were asking for something they wouldn’t like but somehow was supposed to become an enormous sensation.  
Ugh. Anyway, she’d give them something they’d like. She always did.   
‘Guess who I ran into today?’  
‘Santa Claus?’  
Gavin chuckled. ‘Well, him too, weirdly enough. But I meant someone else.’  
‘Dasher? Dancer? Prancer? Vixen? Comet? Cupid? Donner? Blitzen?’ She gasped, her eyes wide in innocent wonder. ‘Don’t tell me you met Rudolph?’  
‘Are you done?’ Gavin rubbed his fingers together and shook them until the sand came off.   
‘Yes,’ Saoirse smiled. ‘Please, brother dear, tell me who you collided with today.’  
‘Katie Daniels. Well, it’s Katherine, now.’ Saoirse smile melted off. ‘She asked how you were.’  
‘I’m sure she did,’ Saoirse huffed. ‘Wants to know if I have friends to steal?’  
Gavin rolled his eyes to the sky. ‘She’s changed. Still seemed guilty when she mentioned you.’  
‘She better be.’  
Her brother nudged Saoirse. ‘You were both eleven when it happened.’   
No need to remind her. Katie stood on her mental blacklist, along with all the girls Gavin had dated and who had broken up with him.   
‘So?’  
‘If you hold a grudge against everyone who ever does something you don’t like, you will run out of people.’  
‘That’s not true!’ she poked Gavin’s nose with her pencil - the eraser part. ‘I’ve got you.’  
With a disgusted grimace he wiped his nose. Right, she’d bitten that end. Oops.  
‘Like I’ve never done anything to provoke your righteous wrath.’ That earned him another swat with the pencil.  
‘Yeah, but you’re my deartháir,’ she said, replicating his faint, singy accent. Which, she was sure, hadn’t stuck all these years by accident. It made too many girls giggle for him to ever give it up.  
‘What about our parents?’  
Saoirse thickened some of the pencil lines. ‘I love them.’  
‘But you do hold a grudge towards them?’  
No answer. Only a shrug.  
‘Come on, Saoirse!’ Gavin exclaimed, his light eyebrows pulled down towards his nose. ‘They’ve never made you do anything against your will.’  
‘Not true.’ She firmly dotted an I, causing the graphite tip to tear the weakened paper. ‘Did you forget that time they send me to Europe to get rid of me?’  
‘Honestly, Sary,’ Gavin shook his head. ‘You’ve got to let that go. Besides, they send me too, and not to get rid of me.’  
‘Humph. You wanted to go - I didn’t.’  
‘Fair enough,’ Gavin took the pencil from Saoirse’s hands to prevent further destruction of her work. ‘Though they let you come back. They realised it wasn’t for you and let you stay in New York, study arts on a great school, they-’  
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Saoirse reclaimed her pencil. ‘I know they are great parents, Gav. I do. And I love them very much. I just can’t forget that.’  
Gavin tugged at her hair. ‘I didn’t say forget, carrot. I said let go. There’s a difference.’  
‘Oh, shut it!’ Saoirse pushed her brother off the park bench and stuck out her tongue. ‘What’s it to you what I do or don’t let go?’  
‘Cause,’ Gavin got off the ground, ‘I don’t want a brooding crazy person as my little sister. Imagine to what lengths I’d have to go to to maintain my reputation.’  
‘Right. What if you’re a world-famous lawyer from TV and they find the crazy cat lady loner of a sister you have?’  
More serious, and concerned despite his teasing tone, he said, as he wrapped his arm around her, ‘I won’t let that happen, Sary. But you’ve gotta try too.’


	5. Chapter 5

 

-L-

‘Saoirse?’  
Loki had repeated her name a dozen times, hoping to break her petrified state. to mentally shake her mind out of the past. To get her back, if it wasn’t too late. Had he destroyed his one chance of sanity, his one distraction, the one person he could talk to?   
Saoirse laughed like she had gravel in her throat. Loki’s heart jumped out of his chest. ‘I- I… I’ve got a brother!’   
She jumped up and danced in victory. Hands moving like she was in slow and friendly combat. Head bobbing to a beat only she could hear. Lips curling up as if in trance. Her hair had a party of its own, spilling over her face and waving from left to right. No need to worry about boredom. No need to remind himself of the emptiness. She was fine.  
‘How wonderful,’ Loki snorted as he reclined. How could anyone be so happy with having a sibling? They bring nothing but trouble and hardship.   
Saoirse made an ugly face at him, which wasn’t as convincing with her sparkling eyes. ‘It is. His name is Gavin. And he’s a dork. And a lawyer, which makes him a complete jerk.’  
Loki frowned. ‘How does being a lawyer make him a jerk?’  
‘Because it’s a fancy position! Like my dad!’  
‘I still don’t see your point.’  
‘The point is,’ Saoirse gestured at him like it was his fault her brother was successful in life, ‘I don’t have a fancy position! I’m a graphic designer and a photographer! I’ve got an art’s degree!’ She was the outcast of the family… which, of course, didn’t interest him, at all.   
Art’s degree… were there times she had paint splattered across her face? Times she squinted into the burning horizon during sunset. She might love the view of Asgard, the golden buildings and emerald trees, or the water falling down the sides, into the nothingness of space.   
Loki lifted his eyebrows at her. ‘I still don’t see the point.’  
Saoirse sighed. ‘Me: younger sister, does art, got kicked out of fancy school in Ireland on purpose. Gavin: older brother, lawyer, does everything perfect. Get it now?’  
She spelled it out with frustration, her words laced with old anger. An understandable anger. Since birth, she carried the burden of the younger sibling. The overshadowed one, never good enough, different in a way that made them disappointments.   
‘So you hate him?’  
‘No.’ Guilt washed over her face. ‘I used to, when I was younger. Until I realised it wasn’t his fault he had those qualities that made people like him.’ Saoirse sat, studied her hands, intertwined them. ‘Besides, he is the person I love the most, so by hating him I would only hurt myself.’  
She shrugged, like it was all so obvious. Loki nodded, though not understanding how she had moved from calling her brother the reason for her anger to saying she didn’t hate him. That anger must linger. That’s what anger does best. Stick to your soul, cloud your vision, shrink your heart.   
‘Did your brother hold you back from your dreams?’  
‘God, no,’ Saoirse smiled - the question seemed to amuse her very much. ‘I’m afraid that was all me. He’s been my greatest support, actually.’ Her gaze softened even more. ‘I think he’s the one who convinced my parents to let me stay after I got myself kicked out. Told them I was not like him or my parents, and that they would have to let me be who I am.’  
Imagining this energetic bold creature needing anyone to express herself seemed unrealistic. ‘You never told them that?’  
‘I did. But I he brought it in a more… reasonable way.’  
Loki chuckled at her faux-innocent face, imagining how she yelled at her parents, or stood before them with her arms crossed and crystal eyes shimmering with fire.   
‘Anyhow, from that moment on my folks seemed to understand I couldn’t do all the things Gav can. What?’  
‘Nothing.’  
The right corner of her mouth lifted. ‘You’re staring at me weirdly.’  
Loki turned away and shoved the chess pieces back into the box. ‘I am not.’  
‘You are.’  
He grunted.  
‘I don’t mind looking. As long as you don’t throw things at me again.’  
Loki bounced a pawn in his hand. ‘That depends on how you act.’   
‘Mind yourself, little giant. Or I won’t let you sleep.’ Sleeping was difficult enough with her nearby. No need to make a conscious effort to keep him up.   
‘Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.’   
‘Then you understand how serious I am about my no throwing stuff policy.’   
‘Policy, huh? Sounds like you are interested in leadership.’  
Saoirse bobbed her head from side to side. ‘I’ll leave that to you, Little Giant. I prefer leadership over my own life, nothing more.’ Which she didn’t have. Which left her with sad eyes and effort to keep her positive façade up.   
The eyes of his king shimmered behind Saoirse. Loki went over to it and picked it up. Looking back, Saoirse appeared as lost as before. ‘You remember?’  
Saoirse startled. Her hand rubbed underneath her eye. ‘I do. It’s foggy, but I do.’ Saoirse smiled, without the joy reaching her eyes. ‘I think it’s worse, though, remembering. Now I know what I can’t go back to.’  
The box shut with more force then Loki had intended. ‘You don’t remember what happened?’  
‘No. I don’t.’  
Saoirse smiled again, glassy eyed. Responding would be useless; she had gone back to the memories. Why? It was the one thing Loki wanted to do least. Revisiting the past meant realising what had been lost. Without reason to believe it could ever be retrieved, there was no reason to torture himself.  
Saoirse left the table and found her corner, where she curled up and stared at the forcefield, as if determined to break through it with sheer force of will. If there was one person of whom he expected such a feat, it would be her.  
Nonetheless, it would be useless. What would be waiting for her outside this prison? Unlikely more than there was for him. She could be a ghost, stuck between these magical walls. Nothing more than a faint image of a deceased soul.   
Loki doubted a ghost could travel the Bifrost.

 


	6. Chapter 6

-S-

‘Why, though?’  
Saoirse lost interest in the game and frowned at Loki.   
‘Why what?’ Loki kept his eyes glued to the board. They had played so many matches Saoirse had lost count. On the positive side, she wasn’t losing as badly anymore. Still nowhere near to victory, but closer to a graceful defeat.  
‘I just don’t get it. Why did you do it if you were a prince?’  
Loki’s head stayed down. Saoirse caught a glimpse of his lips pressed together. ‘A title alone doesn’t grant happiness in life.’   
With a firm hand movement, he moved a bishop.   
‘Sure. But like you seem like a reasonably, reasonable guy. You wouldn’t throw wealth and luxury away for no reason, would you?’  
Loki clenched his jaw. His tiny army was about to be blasted to smoulders by his eyes of green fire.   
Saoirse gestured at a tower, paying no attention whether it was a good move. ‘It would be fair, you know, if you told me your story. I told you everything about myself - the parts I remember, at least.’  
It was true. Despite talking animated about Gavin, who she missed like hell and who’s memory made her heart ache, beside the things she’d experienced in the memory, she couldn’t remember much. It was like peering in a foggy mirror to see what was happening behind her. It was frustration, and torturous. Hence it had taken her a long time to recover. When she had, she’d pretended she hadn’t had the flashback and focused on beating Loki at chess. Because, you know, that was something she might actually accomplish.  
‘Perhaps you haven’t noticed,’ Loki snapped, nearly forcing his horse through the black and white board, ‘but the world isn’t fair.’  
‘You don’t say…’ Saoirse leaned back and looked at Loki, unimpressed. ‘I think it’s very fair something locked me in here without leaving the memories how or why.’  
Loki flinched. ‘I know. I am sorry.’  
Saoirse expression softened. ‘Thanks.’ She rose her eyebrows. ‘I know a way you can make up for it.’   
‘I don’t doubt it.’  
‘Need a hint? It rhymes with sky.’  
‘Sigh?’ he suggested.  
‘Why. Why, why, why. W.H.Y.’ Saoirse sang the annoying tune, bobbing her head to either side. ‘Why, why, why, why. W.H.Y. why, why, why…’  
She kept chanting under her breath, preventing Loki from making any good strategic moves for the bishop he held in his fingers. He clenched his jaw just a bit tighter, though that wouldn’t help him with shutting out the annoying buzz of her song.  
‘I don’t see why you would want to know.’  
‘Really? I mean, like I said, it must be quite an interesting story. Unless Asgardians try to colonise planets all the time.’  
Loki snorted. ‘I don’t think they would like you using that term. They prefer “guarding the nine realms”.’   
‘So that’s what you wanted to do? Protect that planet from evil forces, without yourself included, of course.’   
‘No, I wanted to-’ Loki frowned. ‘Wait…’ Saoirse waited for him to continue. ‘That was rather good, I must admit.’  
‘Good enough to hear your story?’  
Saoirse could pinpoint when he gave in. It filled her with great content.   
Loki set the table to the side, so he had more space for his legs. He changed position at least three times before giving up and leaning back. Saoirse decided to give him the time and wait until he was ready. When he started, he wasn’t looking at her. Instead, his eyes were fixed on the wall just left of her head.   
‘When my brother and I were children, our fa- Odin taught us a good king doesn’t seek out war.’ For a moment, Loki’s eyes brightened, his face lit up. Then it returned to its usual gloom.   
‘But when Thor grew older, he seemed to forget this lesson. All he did was seek out fights- fights I often had to help him out of. We fought side by side. The closer we came to the time he would sit on Asgard’s throne, the more I realised he craved war. I knew he would destroy the peace treaty between Asgard and the Jotuns. If he’d been king… if he’d taken the throne the moment he was destined to, Asgard would have fallen into war with the Jotuns.’   
Loki looked at Saoirse, his eyes piercing into hers, wiling her to understand what he was saying. ‘So, I stopped it from happening.’  
‘What happened then?’  
‘Thor was banished. I found out my whole existence was a lie… my family… my family was not my family.’ Loki pressed his lips together and breathed deeply. ‘I did everything to ensure war didn’t come to us. I protected Asgard, did what Thor would have never done. In return…’ A fire blazed in Loki’s eyes, a fire Saoirse somehow found frighteningly familiar. ‘In return, they betrayed me, disobeyed me. I, who sat on that throne because the queen had told me to. Because Asgard needed a king.’   
Saoirse stared at Loki, who carried a desperate sense of unfairness in his voice and in his tensed-up shoulders. Even his fists were clenched and shaking.  
‘But why did they need you as king? Where was Odin?’  
‘He fell into Odinsleep.’  
‘Ehr, what?’ Saoirse frowned. ‘He… fell asleep? Like in a coma?’  
Some of the pressure left Loki’s hands, and some colour returned to his knuckles. His frowned brows relaxed. ‘Yes and no. He does that when he needs to strengthen himself.’  
‘Oh… that makes… not much more sense.’ Loki’s mouth twitched at Saoirse’s deeply incomprehensive face. ‘Anyway, do go on.’  
‘What more is there to tell?’  
‘God, I don’t know,’ Saoirse shrugged, looking around the room as if the find inspiration. ‘Oh, wait, I know! What about everything from the royal Asgardian throne to… this…’ she spread her arms, gesturing at the bare space around them. ‘I seem to recall you mentioned trying to conquer a planet.’  
As he leaned back, Loki sighed and shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’  
‘I’d like to disagree politely.’  
Loki snorted. ‘Since you asked nicely, I’ll tell you.’  
‘That’s why I did it.’  
Another sigh. Another eye roll. She still had it.  
‘Thor came back. Suddenly he was all honourable and tried to tell me how to be a king. He wouldn’t let me save Asgard forever from the threat of war. We fought.’ A great sadness fell over Loki. Saoirse started to regret pushing him to finish his story. Until now, she hadn’t realised how much these memories still plagued him. How they were the demons that had turned him bitter.   
‘I fell, off the Bifrost, through space and found myself with the Chitauri. They were no welcoming people.’ A shudder went down Loki spine, the haunted look in his eyes intensified. Saoirse felt the urge to put her hand on his. Of course, she couldn’t.   
‘They did entrust me with great power, as long as I promised to bring them even greater power. In exchange, I would sit in the throne of the world my brother adored.’  
Silence fell, but this time Saoirse didn’t want to push him any further. She was already wondering whether he might drown in the memories he was drawing from his mind.   
Loki shook his head. He rose, took a few steps towards the back, and stood there, his head low, facing the wall. After a minute or so, he turned around, his usual careless grin playing around his lips. He spread his arms. ‘Instead, I failed, for my brother betrayed me yet again… then again… We are not actually brothers. He brought me back to Asgard to reside in this wonderful retreat for forever.’   
The cold tone he now used to speak of his brother was in stark contrast with the melancholic way he had mentioned him before. This apathetic tone was way more frightening.   
Were there any people left for him to hate? For the first time, Saoirse understood what Gavin had meant when he’d told her to let go. She’d always thought it would take too much of her. Now she saw the alternative, she knew there were worse things than spending mental energy.   
‘I’m sorry…’  
‘What?’ Loki frowned at her.   
‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated, as she looked at this damaged person.   
‘You actually mean that, don’t you?’ Loki shook his head. He came back to the bed, sat down and lowered his head. ‘You shouldn’t.’  
‘Why not?’  
‘Because no one else does.’  
‘No one else is stuck like some kind of hologram inside a mythological world, so… you know. I don’t like to play by the rules.’  
Loki huffed and glanced aside. Saoirse gave him a playful grin.   
‘I have noticed. That is how you still have half an army standing.’  
‘It’s not. I’m improving. Just so you know, I’m probably gonnna be stuck here forever, so eventually I’m gonna beat you.’  
‘We will see about that.’   
No desperate sigh about how he’d be stuck with her. No snarky comments about his wishes for her to disappear. Only a resigned smile, which hinted at guilt.   
For forever must seem more realistic to him. For her it meant until one day she faded into nothingness.   
Nevertheless, until then, she had keep myself walking. She had to wait and try to remember, for in the truth may lay her way to escape. Until then, the two of them, damaged by the past and the present, had to find a way to keep going.   
 


	7. Chapter 7

 

-L-

Time had stopped. Two armies stood abandoned, gazing at each other, lacking the belligerence to march and meet in the middle. A silent truth had been stuck. Today was no day to fight.  
Neither prisoner had any desire to do anything. Lying in bed and staring up to the sky seemed a good plan of action. Alas, Loki knew something had to be done. Something he had to cross the little space between him and Saoirse with gentle steps and a heart of lead.   
When he arrived at her small corner, he let himself lean against the white wall, one leg relaxed while the other was bent with a flat foot on the floor. The fabric of his sleeves rustled when he let his arm rest on his knee.   
Saoirse didn’t acknowledge his presence. They both stared into the blank nothingness of the opposite wall. Loki tall with his one outstretched leg emphasizing his height, Saoirse crumpled up wither her arms around her knees.  
‘You know what I’m going to say.’  
Saoirse’s face transformed into a painful smirk. Her eyes still wouldn’t let go of the distant whiteness. ‘Then you don’t have to say it, do you?’  
‘I think I do.’  
A tiny black and gold bee appeared, buzzing around Saoirse’s head. It preferred the airspace near her ears. Saoirse swatted at the insect with a pale hand. It evaporated in a shimmery glow. Her mouth trembled. ‘You’re annoying,’ she muttered.  
The prince’s mouth curled up at one end. ‘I can live with that.’  
Inside Loki burned the desire to touch her. He hadn’t felt the desire to comfort another being in forever yet, he almost reached out, ready to wrap his arms around Saoirse’s soft shoulders.  
‘Well,’ Saoirse said after a moment of silence, ‘are you gonna say it, or what?’  
Her voice shook as fake impatiens and subtle hysteria fought for dominance.  
‘I am not saying this because I wish it to be true, Saoirse.’ Loki spoke her name with an uttermost gentle voice. ‘I only hope you might be able to…’ he was lost for words. He doubted whether he should have started this conversation at all.  
‘Move on?’ Saoirse’s eyes stared straight ahead. A thin rim of water formed at the bottom eyelids - her lips were trembling. ‘Go to your precious Valhalla? Or descend to hell- Helheim, whatever. What if I’d rather haunt Asgard forever?’ She turned her head to glare. She dared him to contradict her, to tell her what she actually wished for.  
Loki admired her strength in a time where she was in her right to be fearful, in a time she was completely in the dark.  
‘Go to a better place.’  
‘Sure,’ she huffed. ‘You’re not going anywhere either, are you?’  
Loki gave a short, dry laugh. ‘I have done enough to deserve it.’  
Saoirse bit her lip and looked down at her fidgeting hands. They hadn’t touched anything for so long now. Could she still remember how it was, to feel? Loki sometimes doubted he remembered how another person’s touch felt like. He even wondered what the sun looked like.   
‘You’d be alone again.’  
‘There is absolutely no reason for you to think about me at this moment.’ Besides, knowing she was somewhere in a good place would bring him some peace, too. Although it could never bring happiness.  
‘But how can I leave my fellow boredy?’ Saoirse asked with a crooked smile.   
‘By doing the right thing.’  
She shook her head. ‘I’m not brave enough to take such a leap into the dark. I’ve always been afraid of the dark, you know. Since I was a little kid. I used to hide beneath my blanket, but then I’d get tight in the chest because I’m also claustrophobic.’ Her voice shot up and broke once more. ‘I wish I had a blanket now…’  
Saoirse ducked her head down between her legs and her shoulders shook. More than ever, Loki wished he could hold her and press her to his chest, offering her empty promises. Instead, he sat helplessly beside her, pressing his hands together and cursing whoever had done this to her. What monster could’ve hurt such a wonderful creature?   
‘I just want to go home…’ she whispered. ‘I want to see Gav-’  
Saoirse froze. Her hands still lay upon her face, but Loki heard no sob, no hiccup, not even a breath.   
‘Saoirse?’

  
   
After Gavin left, all inspiration and motivation had left with him, so Saoirse packed her stuff into her backpack and got up. She had enjoyed talking to her brother, even though he kept telling her what to do. It was nice seeing him in the park, where there were no relatives to tell her she should get a better job and follow her brother’s footsteps, or people telling Gavin how lucky he was with such a flourishing career.   
Saoirse hated it when they did that, because she could see the guilt in his eyes. Gavin was a good person and deserved success. Whenever he got the chance, he shared it with both friends, family, and strangers.  
However, when they met up like that, they could converse like brother and sister, talking about the simple things. Or throwing small gravel at each other. Saoirse smiled and rubbed stones no bigger than rice off her collar.   
It was a lovely day to be out. Sunny enough, busy as ever. Saoirse thought about what Gavin had said, about Katie. Had her anger made so much impact on a girl she hadn’t seen in years? If it had, she didn’t know how to feel about it.  
Noise cut through Saoirse’s headphones as she walked through some smaller streets. She freed one ear and turned her head. In the distance, there was a heavy sound. An explosion.   
Shit.  
Saoirse’s head snapped up as more noise explosions, and screams cut through the air. Up above, between the tops of the surrounding buildings, was the sky. It had split.   
A dark rift had opened, and dark dots swarmed out, like flies. Something bigger came out, too. As the cloud of definitely not flies came closer, they spouted bright beams, which, when connecting with anything, left only rubble. The screaming grew louder.  
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.   
Saoirse turned to every direction, hoping to find a door. There. Only twenty feet or so away. She sprinted at full power. She jerked at the handle. Closed. Again, shit.  
Alright. She had to get away from this back alley and find a main street, where there were a thousand open doors.   
She turned and fled in what she hoped was the right direction. She knew she was going in the right direction when more and more screams pierced her eardrums. People came streaming into her alley.   
‘Go back, there’s no doors!’ she yelled at anyone who bumped into her. They were all too frightened to listen.   
As Saoirse left the alleyway, she jumped aside as a beam split the sidewalk at her feet. More people pushed her aside. If they could, they would’ve walked straight over her.   
More rubble rained down on her, as pieces of building were demolished. She made the mistake of looking up.  
The flies were metallic flying crafts, manned by creatures one hundred percent not human. Except for one.  
Except for one of them, who seemed human enough from where she stood. A small figure clad in green, dark hair sweeping after him.   
One of the chariots fired another beam. It hit the car next to Saoirse. The car swerved up. Before she could move, it plunged back to the earth.

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

-L-

Loki’s heart fluttered as Saoirse stirred. Her shoulders moved back. Her hands moved away from her face. They revealed blankness, like a marble statue.   
‘I remember.’  
Loki gripped his hands together, gritting his teeth. ‘Saoirse, I-’   
His mouth shut when she lifted a finger. ‘I remember everything.’ Her voice was dead calm. It frightened Loki like nothing had done before. ‘Everything,’ she repeated. ‘I remember… people screaming. Buildings crumbling. Cars falling- falling on me…’ her voice quivered. She shut her eyes. Her clenched fists trembled. Then her eyelids lifted. ‘And I remember you. You brought them.’  
‘Saoirse…’  
She shook her head and dashed to the side, far away from Loki. All her fear had been replaced by loathing. ‘I can’t believe I sympathised with you! I felt sorry for you! I was willing to believe you might have a heart! That I could-’ her mouth slammed shut. Whatever she had wanted to say, she wouldn’t share with the prince anymore.  
‘Please, let me-’ explain? What was there to explain? Nothing.   
‘Get away from me,’ Saoirse growled, stepping back until she reached a wall, pushing herself backwards so there was as much space between them as possible. Loki sat down at the exact opposite corner, with his head in his hands. This way, his bed blocked Saoirse from sight. Hopefully, it blocked him from her furious gaze too.  
There was nothing Loki could do. His greatest nightmare had come true, rendering him powerless as he watched his own past catch up with him.   
Loki was familiar with hatred in someone’s eyes. He was familiar with losing those he once relied upon. He was familiar with truth tearing souls apart. Only he had never thought all of it would happen again as he was rotting away in prison. He had never thought he would have something to lose again.   
Would she disappear, now she knew the truth? What even was the truth? Was she indeed dead? Shouldn’t she have disappeared from his cell by now? Was she gone?  
Loki rose and looked over to Saoirse’s corner. She was still there. As much as the universe hated him, she remained. For now.   
Saoirse looked up too, alerted by his movement. ‘What?’  
‘I- Saoirse!’ Loki rushed forward as Saoirse form flickered, like a flame battling a cold draft.   
Saoirse grabbed her head and heaved. ‘Stop doing that!’  
Loki rose his hands. ‘That wasn’t me.’  
Saoirse glared, but she seemed to accept his truth. Her eyes were thick, red. More sunken. ‘Wanting to see me leave, do you?’  
‘No. Let me-’  
‘Try to make up for what you did?’  
‘I cannot do that.’  
‘No, you can’t.’ Saoirse bit her lip and turned away. ‘Dead or not.’  
Despite her hostile attitude, Loki’s heart leaped. ‘You’re not… not dead?’  
Saoirse shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so…’   
To make himself less threatening, Loki kneeled, keeping enough distance from Saoirse turned body. ‘Do you know where you are?’  
Again a shrug. ‘I don’t want to know.’  
‘We both know that isn’t true.’  
She huffed. ‘You’re not always right.’  
‘I am this time.’  
‘Fine!’ Saoirse turned around with her fists balled and ready so smack Loki in the face. Truly a wonderful sight to the eyes. ‘I- I will try to remember. But you’ve got to tell me if I’m looking like a broken lamp again.’  
Loki lowered his head and smiled. ‘I will.’  
Saoirse threw her head into her neck and gave the ceiling an even dirtier look than she’d given him. ‘Here goes nothing.’  
Or everything.  
Her fingers pressed her eyelids. Her mouth moved as if she was speaking to someone Loki couldn’t see. As if there were a thousand more spirits out of reach. A thousand more spirits he had left restless in his path.   
‘It’s… bright…’ Saoirse muttered. ‘Like here, but… less magical.’  
‘Good… good… can you hear something?’ Loki urged. ‘Any sounds you recognise? Voices?’  
‘I think I hear people…’ Saoirse shape flickered again.  
‘Stop!’   
Saoirse grimaced and opened her eyes. ‘That hurts like hell.’ She laughed shakily. ‘I’d thought disappearing would be a lot nicer.’  
‘Do you know…?’  
She took a few seconds to look at him. During those heartbeats, her face hardened. She got up and took a few steps putting her arms in a dozen positions before deciding to cross them across her chest. ‘I have a guess.’  
‘That is?’  
‘A hospital. Or a creepy lab. I’m hoping the first one.’ Saoirse smirked, like it wouldn’t bother her either way.   
‘A hospital in New York?’  
‘Sure, I can hear exactly where in the world a hospital room is from across the universe as a ghost.’  
‘It is what is most logical, isn’t it?’   
New York. Not only had Loki found no way to escape during the time he’d spend in his cell, he had never heard of anyone escaping. Not that it mattered; Odin had a tendency of hiding the uglier parts of Asgard’s history. There simply had to be a way to get to earth.  
Saoirse shrugged. ‘Nothing about this is logical.’

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

-T-

Thor descended to the dungeons with chaos in his mind. Loki had called for him. After all this time without a single attempt to contact, his brother wanted to see him. Of course, Thor hadn’t sought his little brother out either. He couldn’t bare seeing what had become of him. To see the shell what had once been his baby brother.   
What about today was special? What had changed and forced his brother to break his proud silence?   
Thor was aware this must be a trick of sorts to break himself free. His brother had had enough time to come up with a thousand of them, a thousand ways to escape his former home. A thousand ways to get his revenge.   
Nevertheless, hope still resided inside the crown prince. Loki had asked for his presence to confess his utter regret and remorse for his actions. Though what this would change, even the prince didn’t know.

‘Loki, why have you called for me?’   
As Loki spun around, his face first turned into an angry mask. It fell away within a second, as it was replaced with relief. ‘Brother, you came!’   
‘I did, though I don’t know why.’  
Loki’s head snapped to the side. ‘He’s not that good looking.’  
Thor frowned and watched his brother turn red. ‘What did you say?’  
‘I-,’ Loki sighed and fidgeted with his hands. ‘You will never belief this.’  
The first the signal of a trick. The beginning of the deceit from his brother.   
‘Let me decide, brother.’  
Loki nodded. ‘That sounds reasonable, especially for you.’ He rolled his eyes and growled under his breath, ‘shut up.’  
‘I am.’ Thor already regretted coming down here. His brother hadn’t changed. ‘Speak quickly. Not all have no responsibilities.’  
One of Loki’s hands twitched, like it itched to have a dagger in it. ‘I will. Better even, I will without talking around it.’ He took a deep breath and blurted it out. ‘I need you to take me to Midgard, to earth.’  
Straightforward is was. He had indeed not spun a web of words around it. Loki’s deceptive skills had deteriorated since being locked up. Or it was an even deeper layer of deception, one that would sweep Thor’s feet from underneath him when he was least expecting it.  
‘You know I cannot do that.’  
‘I do, but you should know this isn’t for me.’ Of course it wasn’t. ‘It isn’t,’ Loki hissed.   
Thor stiffened. Had Loki read his mind? After all the magic he had seen in the nine realms it wouldn’t surprise him. Only frighten him.   
‘What did you say?’  
Loki flustered, more furious now. ‘Nothing. I promise you, this isn’t for me. It’s for…’ he glanced to the side. ‘For Saoirse.’  
‘Who?’  
‘Saoirse,’ Loki repeated. For a moment, the sharpness lessened in his voice. ‘She is a Midgardian woman. We think she is in a coma, somewhere in New York.’  
‘We?’  
‘Yes, we.’ Again, Loki gave a dirty look to the emptiness beside him.   
‘Who is we?’  
Loki now braced himself. ‘Saoirse and me.’ He pressed his lips together.  
‘How… if she is in a coma… on earth…?’ Thor’s mind worked hard to figure out what Loki was up to. A Midgardian woman? What made him think Thor would believe Loki cared for a Midgardian woman? He had shown well enough he thought very little of humans. Besides, how could Loki have ever communicated with her?  
‘Because she’s here,’ Loki explained. The edges of his [bijeen] act fell apart, revealing a more intense, desperate version of his brother underneath. ‘She’s standing right here. She’s some kind of apparition, I don’t know how. But she’s here!’  
‘Loki…’  
‘If you take me there, brother, if you take me to Midgard, to her, and lend me one of your healing stones… you have used those on a Midgardian before, haven’t you? I’ll go back here, I promise, if you help me save her!’  
Thor shook his head.  
‘No! He will help!’ Loki said to empty air. ‘Will you not, brother?’   
‘Loki…’ Thor had thought his brother was trying some kind of scheme. Now, with Loki passionate and with intense eyes, he realised his brother had gone mad. ‘I am sorry this is what has become of you.’  
‘No! Thor, listen! I will [perform] whatever oath you want me to! You can keep me in magical bonds the entire time! Let me do this!’  
Thor backed off. There was an ache in his chest as he watched his little brother. This was never what he had wanted to happen. He had always envisioned his little brother at his side as Thor sat on the throne. Loki was an intelligent man, had always been. Now, loneliness had broken him.  
Loki called after him. Thor kept moving. He would talk to his father about this. Try to convince him to bring his brother aid for his damaged mind. Perhaps their mother could fix him somewhat.  
‘I wasn’t wrong. I only overestimated the heroic nature of my brother.’   
Loki wasn’t speaking to him anymore yet, he was still talking. Thor stopped out of sight.  
‘It is not over. There are many ways out of Asgard. I must find another way. And I will.’ Footsteps paced through the room. ‘I won’t give up… Because-’ a frustrated grunt. ‘Because I don’t give up.’  
What was happening? Did Loki know Thor was listening? Did he truly envision a Midgardian woman speaking to him? Or did he- no. He couldn’t let his brother convince him he was telling the truth. He never was.  
‘You are still here, aren’t you? That means there is time.’ The footsteps stopped. Loki’s voice was a lot quieter when he spoke next. ‘I know you wouldn’t be here without me. But you will not leave this place without me either.’  
Was there true regret and guilt in his brother’s voice? Loki, regretting his past actions it didn’t seem plausible. Even his brother wasn’t as great of an actor.   
What if? What if Thor took him to New York? He would be in shackles, of course. Thor wouldn’t take his eyes off him. But he would get to see the results of his actions. He would know Thor wasn’t the one who had given up on their brother[hood].   
No. This was madness. Loki couldn’t be trusted. He didn’t deserve even the littlest trust. It would only result in chaos and destruction, like everything Loki had ever done.   
‘I- I am sorry, Saoirse. I am not trying to make it right for me, but for you.’  
Chaos, Thor reminded himself. Destruction.  
‘It’s true. I’ll return here. You would never see me again.’  
This was the trick. The great lie.  
‘I can live with that.’  
Right there. Thor couldn’t see his little brother, but in his mind’s eye, it wasn’t the twisted, tortured version of Loki he saw, but the younger one. Before the truth had ruined their bond. Before Thor had proved himself a bad brother.   
Thor turned. He would regret this. For the rest of his life.   
Loki’s eyes lit up as Thor came closer, though they were reluctant to be hopeful. ‘What?’  
‘Maybe I could help you. Mind you, I don’t trust you.’  
Loki smiled, relief washing over his face. ‘If you did, you would be the fool I always took you for.’

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

-S-

Light shimmered around Loki’s form. Raven hair was covered by shiny metal, as were his dark clothes. His brilliance hidden by the garbs of an Asgardian guard. It even made him ordinary and oddly faceless inside the helmet and gear. Though when he caught her amused gaze, it were still the eyes she recognised from their days together. They hadn’t changed a bit and were still as green and piercing as ever. And as annoyed.   
‘Lookin’ great,’ she grinned at him. ‘So… inconspicuously sparkly.’  
‘I’m sorry I cannot turn myself invisible,’ Loki grunted.  
‘I’m not,’ Thor replied, his face contorted in horror by the thought of what his brother might do with such a trick up his sleeve. He glanced at the other hallway. ‘Are you ready, brother?’  
‘Obviously.’ Loki smirked once more at Saoirse before he turned to his fair-haired brother.   
Saoirse crossed her arms. ‘You know, I can’t turn myself invisible, either. I don’t really have a choice.’

It had been a weird experience, meeting Thor, the great and powerful lord of thunder. Through the myths and Loki’s story, Saoirse had formed a rather different image in her head of the guy. Rougher, for one, less groomed or washed, perhaps dirt in his hair and on his face, or dried blood. Also, not such a big brother. More like a bully. She definitely hadn’t expected such a Hollywood slash surfer dude.   
On the other hand, his appearance had been overshadowed by his inability to see her, or even hear her. It was disheartening and frightening, knowing only one person even knew she existed. As far as she knew, she existed nowhere except Loki’s mind. As far as she knew, she was only the shadow of a memory of a girl he had once seen when invaded a planet. As far as she knew, she was only a manifestation of his guilt.

Thor gestured for Loki to come forward, into an even narrower passageway. Despite Saoirse’s suggestion, they had decided to take the least travelled route through the palace, instead of the tourists’ route. Sure, she knew time was running out… but she’d rather run out of time in the home of gods than somewhere in New York, running around like headless chickens.   
Saoirse had ended up at the end of the line. Her only view was that of the way too tall brothers, shoulders stiff wit discomfort.   
‘I can’t believe his shoulders fit across. They seem too muscular.’  
Loki sighed, but managed to keep his mouth shut.   
‘Like, it doesn’t seem safe he has those biceps swinging around - they could kill someone.’  
‘That’s not an effective way to kill someone…’  
Thor turned around and eyed his brother suspiciously. ‘What did you say?’  
‘Nothing.’   
Saoirse smirked at Loki. ‘You would know.’  
Loki kept his eyes on his brother’s back. ‘You are not wrong.’  
‘I know. I’m good at being right.’   
As did she know it was unlikely Loki only did all of this to save her. Plead with the brother so he could salvage a human he barely knew. Who he couldn’t stand.  
It was all one big escape for himself. The question was how long he’d been planning it.  
‘Do me a favour, will ya?’ Saoirse dug her hands into her pockets. If that was even possible. Her being a spirit and all that.   
Loki glanced back. ‘What?’   
‘Can you maybe find Gav after you’ve escaped Thor? Just see if he’s okay. You don’t have to do anything… maybe make him find a personal, emotional diary entry in which I declare how much I love him.’ She might be using a sarcastic voice, she did mean it.  
‘That’s all?’   
Saoirse shrugged. ‘Yeah. But I think you understand - you love Thor, too. I guess you could always transform yourself in a ghost version of me to tell him my emotional message in sort of person.’   
‘I don’t think I could do your sincerity justice.’   
Thor peeked over his shoulder again. He didn’t trust his brother - even though he wanted to. He held one arm out to stop Loki, before they’d cross an immense open space.   
‘One sign this is a trick, brother. One sign and I’ll take you back. Understood?’   
Loki locked his eyes with Saoirse and nodded. ‘Understood.’   
 


	11. Chapter 11

 

-L-

When Loki first came to the concrete city, he had seen no beauty in the maze of colourless buildings or the masses bustling around, all going along with their respective lives. Their worries about insignificant problems of their insignificant lives. Now, however, it seemed like he was looking through different eyes - very intense, lilac eyes.  
It hadn’t gone unnoticed how Saoirse’s hair had lost its fiery glow. Her lilac eyes had lost their shine, until she lay eyes on her home city. Her face lightened up with a smile Loki hadn’t seen before. A giddy, charming, happy smile.   
‘O my god, look at it! Look at it!’ Saoirse jumped as she twirled around. ‘I know it’s not Asgard… but, look at it!’  
Loki did look. At she small shops and cafés she pointed out, at the hidden alleyways, at the flowerpots on the balconies high up into the air.   
‘This,’ Saoirse grinned, ‘is what home looks like.’ Her eyebrows lifted and her mouth fell open. ‘You should see my spot in the park. It’s the best thing ever!’  
‘The place you meet with your brother?’  
‘Duhhhhh!’ Saoirse jumped up and down. She flinched and stumbled backwards.   
Loki lunched forwards, his hands outstretched - until it struck him like Mjolnir he couldn’t catch her. ‘Are you okay?’  
‘Yeah, yeah, sure.’ Her pale hand became even more see-through. ‘Just a little headache.’  
‘Maybe we should increase our speed. Where to, exactly?’  
Saoirse shrugged. ‘Honestly, the park would be best, then I can retrace my steps and see which hospital is closest to where I got squished.’  
‘Right…’ Loki looked down as his chest ached. He couldn’t remember her, from his last visit, but it wasn’t too difficult to image Saoirse’s form crushed underneath rubble, her red hear spread around her head like blood. It wasn’t difficult, for he only had to image her face on one of his victims.   
‘A friendly reminder I cannot hear… her…’ Thor hesitated when he spoke about Saoirse, obviously still not sure about her existence.  
‘To the park,’ Loki repeated for his brother’s sake. ‘Saoirse will lead us to the park.’  
Thor nodded and shook his head at the same time. He sighed. ‘Go on, then.’  
Honestly, if his brother didn’t trust him, why did he help him? Was he unable to resist an opportunity, sketchy or not, to save a Midgardian? His love for them must be great.  
‘Please,’ Loki made a little bow, ‘lead the way, my lady.’  
Saoirse snorted, with a little smirk pulling at the right corner of her mouth. ‘I shall.’ She passed his brother and waved her hands over her head in a grand motion. ‘Follow me! I shall lead you to the park!’  
Loki smirked.   
‘What?’  
Loki shook his head. ‘Let’s just go.’  
Thor took a deep breath, put his shoulders straight and gestured for Loki to go ahead. There was no way his brother would leave him out of his sight.   
Saoirse slowed down, so they were next to each other. If she’d have had a body, their hands might have brushed together. Now Loki had to resist the urge, knowing he would only make things worse if he swiped his hand through hers. ‘He doesn’t trust you very much, does he?’  
‘No,’ Loki tried to keep his voice low, ‘he doesn’t.’  
Saoirse gazed up at an especially high building with thousand differently decorated balconies. ‘I wonder why.’  
‘Such a shame.’  
‘What?’  
Loki shrugged. ‘I honestly thought you listened to my story. It hurts you did not pay attention to my story.’  
‘You didn’t give me a chance to listen.’  
‘It wouldn’t have mattered, you didn’t listen anyway.’  
‘I did, but your story was unclear.’  
‘No, you-’  
Loki almost lost his toes as a biker tore past, using the sidewalk Loki was currently on.   
‘How dare you!’ Loki called after him.   
The man on the bike turned, help up his middle finger and returned to his race through the city streets.  
Beside him, Saoirse sputtered as she couldn’t keep a straight face. ‘Welcome to New York.’  
‘Just when I was starting to like it…’  
‘You did?’  
Loki looked at Saoirse’s hopeful eyes which still had trouble believing what they saw. ‘Perhaps.’  
‘Good. Anyway… What I wanted to say, though…’ She looked back at Thor, who was looking at Loki, with the expression of someone desperately not trying to listen in to a conversation he wasn’t part of but really wanted to know what was being said regardless. ‘He cares about you.’  
‘What? No. I have thrown away any chance of brotherly affection.’  
‘You haven’t, even though he doesn’t trust you.’  
Why was she telling him this? Loki had accepted he had destroyed the bond he had shared with his brothers before she came into his life. There was no going back.   
‘Come on!’ Saoirse let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Don’t waste this. Goldylocks over here has taken you to the place you tried to destroy, because you said you needed to rescue me. He can’t see me. He doesn’t trust you. Yet he brought you. He wants you back, you oblivious little giant.’  
A small stall selling all sorts of bags pulled in his attention. ‘You had to use that name, didn’t you?’  
‘Please… Loki…’ Saoirse begged for Loki’s attention. Using his name in such a soft manner definitely worked. ‘You have a chance, still. I might not. If you won’t do it for yourself or Thor, do it for me.’  
‘I-’   
‘Just say yes. Lie. I will never know, will I? Just say yes.’   
At that moment it hit Loki that, indeed, Saoirse would never see him again, whether he saved her or not. She would disappear, or they would say goodbye forever.   
Loki nodded. ‘I will do that.’  
Saoirse smiled quietly. ‘Thank you.’   
Her form flickered again. She flinched, bit her lip, breathed deeply - and kept her smile. Something in her posture changed. Her shoulders fell back, her expression softened. She had accepted her fate.   
  


	12. Chapter 12

 

-S-  
Saoirse was grateful. Today might be the day she’d die, but at least she would get a final stroll through her city. She could see her home once more. Knowing she might never see it again changed everything.   
The grey concrete seemed more like silver. Dark alleyways seemed more mysterious than creepy. Even the hasty people ready to push you aside now seemed to have important business than be annoying.   
‘Look!’ Saoirse pointed to the left, where the green and white sign of a Starbucks demanded attention. ‘That’s where I like to get my coffee when I pretend I order coffee every day!’  
‘Why would you pretend to do that?’  
‘I’d thought you’d know.’   
‘Why?’   
‘It annoys Gav. He thinks it’s a waste of money.’ Saoirse eyes twinkled with a mischievous melancholy.   
Loki chuckled and stared intently at the coffeeshop, mouthing the names of the neighbouring streets. ‘I am starting to think you are a terrible person.’  
‘Then you are not nearly as observant and intelligent as you like to think, little giant.’  
‘Or you are a very manipulative person.’  
‘Thanks. That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me by far.’  
‘Perhaps I must revisit my statement.’  
‘Oh, no. No take-backsies’  
‘Fine.’  
Saoirse and Loki caught each other’s eyes and both snickered until Saoirse chest hurt. Until now, she hadn’t seen Loki laughing as widely or genuinely as now. The freedom must have done him well as it had done her.  
When they had to cross the widest street thus far to finally enter the park, it occurred to Saoirse she could just walk through the cars, stand in the middle of the road if she wanted. She didn’t, as if one little voice still whispered words of hope. What if she suddenly regained her body? What if she stopped being a ghost? What if this had all been a dream?   
However, Saoirse had let go of that voice. She was making her final trip and it wasn’t to save her. It was to find the place that made her feel home, so she could go in a good place. Not that she told Loki that.

‘Tadah!’ Saoirse spread her arms wide as she showed the row of checkered tables hidden between full bushes. ‘This is my humble outdoor abode.’  
Loki let his fingers trail along the top of one of the tabled, tapping the black and white squares. ‘It has a nice feel to it,’ he admitted. ‘Though I see now you could have been so much better at chess.’  
‘That’s not fair. I never had anyone to play with. Besides, if we’d have more time, I would’ve won eventually.’   
If she had had more time, she would’ve done so many things. Find a way to go home. Find a way to see Gav again. Find a way to tell her parents she understood they were trying to do the right thing. Find a way to tell a lot of people she understood they had changed and that they had moved on from their past selves, herself included. If she had more time, she would have asked Loki to show her Asgard. To take her to the places of his fondest memories, where he would see he needed his brother, his home. If she had the time… alas, she didn’t.   
As Loki circled his finger in an infinity sign, he smiled. ‘I think you already did.’  
‘What?’ Saoirse frowned.   
Loki shook his head. ‘Never mind. Can you remember where you went, from here?’  
Saoirse bit her lip. ‘About that…’  
‘What?’  
‘What did she say?’ Thor demanded, stepping forwards, one hand already out to grip Loki. ‘Where must you go next?’  
‘I don’t know yet,’ Loki said, a slight panic in his voice. ‘Saoirse, will you take us further?’  
She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry.’  
‘Saoirse?’  
‘Loki. Tell me now. Where to next?’  
Loki turned on his brother with fire in his eyes. ‘I don’t know yet! Can’t you listen to me for once in your life?’  
‘No! The times I did, I ended up with a dagger in my back!’  
‘That is not true!’ Saoirse finally understood how dangerous Loki was. His fury was frightening. Despite his thinner build, she didn’t doubt he could take on Thor - not in physical strength, but with his fast mind and deadly tricks ‘I tried to talk to you before, but you never listened! I told you to stop behaving like a spoiled child. I told you to use your head instead of your hammer. I told you you had to carry your responsibility as a king! Did you listen? Never!’  
Thor already had his hammer in his hand. He wanted to use it, as in a reflex, but thought better of his. He pointed it at Loki’s chest. ‘What about New York, brother? I begged you to come home. I was willing to listen. You only tried to destroy what I love.’  
‘Take me home?’ Loki scoffed. ‘You desired the power of the tesseract, nothing more. You cared more about a world of strangers than your own brother.’  
Thor lowered his hammer. ‘I did not. I tried to protect the brother I knew from perform the horrors he would never forgive himself for.’  
‘I-’ Loki had nothing more to say. Though he didn’t believe his brother either, telling from the suspicion on his face. ‘Please don’t pretend you are actually doing this for me. I know that is far from the truth.’  
Saoirse felt sick. Her head was spinning.   
‘I am truly sorry you feel that way.’  
‘Loki,’ Saoirse squeaked. He didn’t hear her. He stared incomprehensibly at his brother. ‘Loki…’  
Loki’s head snapped back. His eyes widened.   
Looking down, she could barely see her own form. ‘It’s time…’ she whispered.  
‘No, no!’ Loki ran towards her, his hands outstretched before they fell uselessly beside him.   
‘Thank you, Loki. Thank you for trying.’ Both the pain of her disintegrating spirit and the sorrow of having to leave her life filled her eyes with tears. ‘You couldn’t have done more…’  
‘No, Saoirse, please, stay. We’re almost there. Well find your body. I promised you…’  
She tried to smile. ‘It’s okay. I knew we would never make it. I just wanted to see this place again. Show it.’ A fog formed between her and the prince.   
‘Please…’ Loki was so close, she could’ve felt his breath if she had been real. From up close he looked softer. The cracks in his mask so much clearer. The tears in his eyelashes like glass shards in her heart. ‘I can’t live with this.’  
Saoirse smiled through her tears. ‘I can. I only need you to know, I-’ her voice faltered. Only fragments of sounds came out.   
Loki face contorted even more. ‘Saoirse…’  
‘Goodbye Loki.’ One final whispered escaped her lips. All colour drained away. First the sky. Then of the bushes. Loki’s clothing. His green eyes. They all lost clarity and blurred into each other.   
The desperate, piercing eyes were the last thing she saw.

 

 

 

 

   


	13. Chapter 13

 

-T-

‘No... No. No!’   
Thor watched his brother’s powerlessness to rage. As Thor watched utter sadness being replaced by emotional rage, he understood. Finally, he understood. This had not been a trick. His brother was a great actor. He was an even better manipulator. But the passion now burning in him was real. Which made him even more dangerous.   
‘Loki, control yourself!’ Thor grabbed his brother’s arm – Loki tore himself loose.   
‘No!’ he snarled, his eyes burning with murderous desperation. ‘I have tried, brother. I have tried to change. What for? I find myself inside the city that wrecked me once, and again everything is taken from me.’  
‘Not all is lost.’  
‘How is it not? She is gone. The one person who cares, who sees- saw me like…’ fear filled Thor’s heart as he imaged what his brother could do in such a state. ‘It is my own fault! I destroyed this city! I lead the Chitahuri here! How can I ever live knowing I was the monster that killed her?’   
A split-second Thor feared he would disappear or reveal a weapon that would wreck the still recovering city. Instead, Loki collapsed, all anger drained from him. Pure sorrow and grief was what pumped through his veins.   
However, what Thor feared most, was what he imaged would be left of Loki. As they had wandered through the city, he had observed his little brother. The way he had talked, even laughed, brought him back years ago, when they had still been princess in the blissful court of Asgard. It appeared his brother had almost returned from the darkness. Until now.   
In all the years they’d spend together, Thor had never seen his brother so defeated. Not even when he had been beaten by the humans he despised so much. Now it turned out it was a human who had broken him after all.  
Thor’s heart stung. He hadn’t thought after everything his brother had done, he’d pity him. Then again, he hadn’t thought he’d see his brother care so much about another being. What kind of woman had this been, able to transform his Loki’s heart, made him feel remorse for his actions?  
‘This girl,’ Thor sat down next to his brother, ‘must have been quite special.’  
‘She was.’  
‘Maybe…’ Dared he say this? Was it fair to give Loki hope? ‘Maybe she still is.’  
Loki looked up sharply. ‘What do you mean?’  
‘Perhaps… perhaps her spirit was only pulled back to her body. Perhaps she hasn’t passed away yet.’  
‘Perhaps…’ Loki’s lips tasted the word. ‘Perhaps… perhaps you’re right.’ Life sparked back in his eyes and he jumped up. ‘Then what are we waiting for? We must find her!’   
What had he done? How much worse would Loki be if he found her dead body? Or if he never found her at all?  
‘Indeed, we must.’

-L-

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. The word echoed through Loki’s mind. Perhaps she was still alive. Perhaps there was a chance he could save her. Perhaps…  
The word had become a rope he clung to, his one hope of survival. If he failed, he would be done for. This was his last chance to salvage his sanity.   
Loki wasn’t sure where Saoirse’s house was, but he had noticed the way she had glanced in one direction. It had been as if there was a beacon of irresistible light. There must lay the place she belonged.   
The further Loki progressed in that direction, the more apparent the damage became. He was nearing the heart of the aftermath of his anger and pain. Saoirse had been caught in it, as had many others. However, now was not the time to get swallowed up by the past. Now was to ensure the future.   
‘Here.’ Loki stopped in a wide street, where there were craters and broken buildings.   
‘How do you know?’  
Loki turned to Thor. ‘I just do.’  
Thor nodded, accepting Loki’s words for truth without hesitation, as he had done before- before this all. ‘Then we must find the nearest hospital.’  
Finding the nearest hospital meant charging through the streets, Loki’s heart pounding, his mind in battle. What if, one half whispered. What if not, the other half persisted. On, Loki told himself. On was where he had to go.   
When Loki was about to dash through the hospital’s entrance, Thor grabbed his arm. ‘Calm, brother. They will not let us stay if you don’t change your manner.’  
Loki nodded, breathing deeply. Thor was right. He concentrated, until both he and his brother appeared no different than any respectable Midgardian. Even more so than when they had roamed the city.   
Thor padded Loki on the back. ‘It’s a good look for you, brother.’  
The woman at the front desk smiled kindly as Loki made eye contact and leaned his arm on the top of the desk. It took a lot of effort to stay calm.   
‘Could you please tell me where I can find Saoirse Doyle?’   
‘Saoirse Doyle,’ the woman – Dorris, it said on her nametag - mused, as her eyes glided across a screen. ‘Ah yes, room 476. Take the elevator, go to the fourth floor and go right.’   
‘Thank you,’ Thor said to Dorris, as Loki already paced to the elevator Dorris had just pointed out.   
As the elevator rose up, stones sank down in Loki’s stomach. What if… what if… perhaps…   
‘You do have the stones?’   
‘I do,’ Thor reassured. ‘I brought many.’   
‘Good,’ Loki nodded, ‘good, good…’   
It was a shame there was no room to pace. On the other hand, he didn’t have the time either.   
With a too loud ding the doors opened. A few waiting nurses muttered indignantly as he pushed past them. ‘My apologies,’ Thor told them.   
460\. 461. 462. What should he say first if she woke up? 463. 464. 465. He should apologise. 466. 467. 468. What would he say if she didn’t? 469. 470. 471. That simply wasn’t an option. 472. 473. 474. Nearly there. Nearly. 475. 476.   
As his feet halted, so did his heart. Here she was supposed to be.   
‘Won’t you go in?’   
This was it.   
‘Yes. I shall.’   
The door opened with a click.   
The room was too white. The lights, the walls, the floor, the bed, the blanket, her face… all except her hair.   
Loki felt the cold as Thor pushed the healing stones into his hand. He neared the bed. Here she lay. She wasn’t a fragment of his imagination. She wasn’t an illusion. No trick. She was real.   
His hand was shaking when he reached out and touched hers, which lay on top of the blanket. It was warm. And real. And physical.   
‘I’ll save you,’ Loki whispered. ‘Hold on.’   
He held the stones above her chest, right above her heart, where there lay an amulet which looked surprisingly like Asgardian jewellery. Please, he prayed to whoever would listen, save her.   
Dust fell as the stones disintegrated in Loki’s hands. As it touched Saoirse’s skin, it glowed and sank down. Loki stared. His heart went berserk. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three-  
Her eyelids trembled. They lifted.   
‘Saoirse…’  
Slowly, her eyes focused on him. ‘What- Where- Who?’ Her eyes shifted around, noticing where she found herself. ‘Doctor?’   
Doctor? Loki checked himself. Had he forgotten to make his disguise disappear. Was he still shrouded in illusion? But no. He wasn’t. She was looking at him. Looking confused. Scared. Eyes still trying to focus. Without a trace of recognition.   
Someone stabbed him in the gut. Loki stepped back, his face turning into an icy mask. It wasn’t his own face anymore; he’d summoned his disguise back. An illusion to shield his appearance and identity from Saoirse’s eyes.  
‘Loki?’  
‘Get me out of here.’   
Thor didn’t react.  
‘You have kept your promise, brother. Let me keep mine.’   
He’d done what needed to be done. There was nothing left for him on earth.  
At last Thor come into motion. He put a strong hand on Loki’s shoulder and steered him away. People started rushing past, baffled to see the girl with her eyes open. Just before he left the room, Loki looked back once more. Saoirse stared at him, puzzled.  
He jerked his head back, not able to bare the look of those lilac eyes anymore. Instead, all he wanted to see where the white walls of his prison. That’s where he belonged.  


End file.
